Seasons Change

After the 12:15 expanding class I walked outside and felt the all-of-a-suddenly cold air grip ahold of me— the sudden remembrance of the seasonal dance… doing its thing, doing what it does, cycling around, summer to fall to winter to spring… and here we are… cycling around, as all things seemingly do…

In Tucson we all yearn so eagerly for the cool air that winter brings, and then when the time comes everyone complains that it’s cold… hahaha… so it goes…

Change is what’s always already happening, and yet here we are… experiencing it…

Do you resist the change?  or do you roll with it?

Great teachers declare, “If you resist what is, you suffer.”

Mr. Lee Lozowick said, “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

In other words, as Christina Sell once said, “Don’t freak out about your freak out.”

Pema Chodran advises us to “Lean into it.”

And yet… here i am… suffering a bit.. feeling resistance to what is.  The current is carrying me to other adventures…not better or worse, just different.  Different is unknown and therefore Ms. Mind labels it as uncomfortable, something to be avoided at all costs.

But I know myself better than that.

All great things in my life have arisen out of facing such discomfort, and as one of my first great teachers, Ms. Ulla Lundgren said, “feel(ing) the fear and do(ing) it anyway.”

Off to Never Never Land…

Or Phoenix, as it were… Starting January 2nd I begin acupuncture school, and play with turning things a little upside down and seeing who I am in that circumstance… just like yoga.  And so we see it’s all practice.  And it’s all a metaphor.  We practice and practice, for what?  For more practice.  For what?  So we can practice some more in a different situation.  Ms. Manorama D’Alvia said, “Your life is for figuring out your life… No one is going to do it for you.”

At this stage of the game I find myself looking for any reason not to go, I found myself just last night on the UofA website exploring different options I could pursue here in Tucson and therefore justify my staying.  Breathe…Breathing… Each class has become such a magical, meaningful, rich experience.  Each student I touch, each gaze I meet, I feel its significance because I see the end.  … And each end is the beginning of something new… Mr. Douglas Brooks taught to focus on what you are moving towards, rather than to focus on what you’re moving away from.  It’s a beautiful life teaching.  I learned that in skiing so long ago!  Haha.  Look in the direction you want to go, rather than the tree you’re aiming to avoid!  Sigh… This isn’t the end.  I’ve set up with YogaOasis to teach TUESDAYS: 11am Yogahour, 1215 Expanding, and 415 Yogahour, as well as a workshop every month.  I’ll be available on social media, checking in and sharing upcoming classes, workshops and retreats elsewhere as well.

My heart hurts, but I practice having faith that it’s for the best.  I love you. Thank you for being a part of my path, for sharing this journey with me.  Please stay with me as we continue on down the road.  Love and Gratitude.

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the whirlwind

tuesday 4.16.13

(i apologize in advance, as this one is a little abstract)

 

lies or no lies… poetry is pretty…

i remember one time, a wise person said, sometimes lies are ok if they’re in service of a bigger truth. that is of course paraphrased in my own words… something to the effect of how if the lie is teaching bigger truths, it’s fine. i can’t remember the skillful articulation of it though…

lines… all the lines…

and man, it’s really all just lines.

even the truths. isn’t it all just lines?

we’re in a big play, simply playing our roles, reading our lines, whether we like it or not! so often we are just seemingly “stuck” in our roles, reading our lines, and yet, “wait a second, how did i get stuck playing this character? and how can i get out of this character?! excuse me! director! eh hem! hello?! can i switch characters please?! yeah, that’d be great, thanks…”

one of my teachers, D.R.Butler says, “every moment we create ourselves, and in every moment we can reacreate ourselves all over again.” (yeah, it’s on a yellow post-it note on my bathroom mirror)

it sounds so simple. and yet, like so many profound truths, the simple is not so easy. and there’s a song there…

(a cheezy one of course, you may not know, good ol’ ani difranco sings, “Would you prefer the easy way? No, well ok then, don’t cry. whoa….” (it’s very pretty)

the easy is always available. and we don’t necessarily do the “hard” for the sake of hardness per se, but rather, as cliche as it sounds, that is how we grow! wild flowers are so f-ing gorgeous and resilient because they grow out in the harsh desert! a saguaro cactus stands so steady, wise, and confidently, patient and fierce because of the intensity she has learned, not only endure, but due to which she thrives.

i hurt my back on monday doing what i love (yoga) and it rocks me to my core, to be hurt. it brings me back to feeling helpless, scared, and angry. so i ask how would i respond if a student came to me with this? i’d urge her to rest, get professional help, and take a bath! (the latter i sure plan on doing, but it’s on the list for tomorrow! lol…)

anyway, this is one of many occasions that i’ve hurt myself and i know i’m going to be better for it. that i’m going to gain new wisdom of myself, of yoga, of my practices, of how to more and more skillfully craft myself based on life’s circumstances.

For, truly if it’s all a play, it is my play. i am the writer, the director, every actor, the set, the props, the story, the key grip… lol… not like my ego runs the show as AA’s Big Book talks about, not like i’m running the show, as in the “little i”, but as in we all are a spark of the great light, we all are the creators of our lives, and i deeply believe in the wisdom spoken from a dear friend, “I am the whirlwind! I move and the world moves.”

we all have so many gifts, may we refine and use our skills for the sake of the greater good. as i’m getting older i see that that is more why we’re here than anything else… my grammy and daddy taught me when i was little and we went camping, to always leave the place better than the way we found it. i believe that’s what we’re here to do. i heard that sweet country song from randy travis this morning or yesterday… “it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it’s what you leave behind you when you go.”

i’m looking up and forward. i cannot afford to look back. i don’t regret what has come before. may i see it, the past and all that comes with it, as a blessing. “i just wish…” (the mama pets her baby’s head and comforts her.) a friend told me, “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.” … i paid attention… words impact me. i believed… i tend to believe every word. i hopelessly hang on every word with awe and anticipation for the next wise morsel that seems to feed my hungry heart… and well, imagination. i fall in love with my imagination’s fantastic paintings… my new joke is that i paint the red flags green… lol, like alice in wonderland, right? painting the roses red! i’m painting the roses red… )

oh, and regarding past behavior and future behavior, it’s a path. my dear friend told me a long time ago, “a path is only a path, and it is no affront to you or anyone else if i decide to change that path.” the key is the decision to change. if there is no decision to change, everything will keep on rolling the way it does, cuz well, why wouldn’t it. (if we keep doing what we’re doing, we’ll keep getting what we’re getting.) water flows down the mountain through the deepest channel, the “easiest” path, so in order to redirect the momentum of past tendencies, a deeper channel must be dug in the direction we want them to move. deeper channel, means a lot of digging! some serious work. and yet again, work, not for the sake of work, but for the sake of cultivating something worth leaving behind.

 

i will always love love… i fall hard. may i see the good (god) in all things and love god. i intend to surround myself with people i want to emulate, because as Douglas Brooks said (and I’m sure I’ve quoted this before), “you are the company you keep, so keep great company.”